Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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