Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
