I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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