Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
