u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
