Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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