How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
