i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
