She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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