I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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