What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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