I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
