I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
