Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
