i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
