I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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