I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
