I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
