how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
