so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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