I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
