Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
