do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
