Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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