I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
