I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
