If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
