Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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