So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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