The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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