found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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