Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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