On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
