upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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