You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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