Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
