Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize