All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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