Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The uberlube is also flammable
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
