And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
