Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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