from now on my penis is your penis
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
