I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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