Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
