you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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