You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
should my penis look like a turkey
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
