hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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