id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
