never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i love accidental penises.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
