I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize