Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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