im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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