3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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