She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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