textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
