FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
