Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
