I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Text me some of your sweat
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize