I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
