Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I need water and some morals
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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