I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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