can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
