i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
