I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
