i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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