Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
