just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
