yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
