Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
