Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
