Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
