he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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