dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
